SCRATCHPAD
A collection of headscratching thoughts
-quoting myself
LIFE · OPINIONS · QUIPS · POETRY

LIFE
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"If you can make people believe you're smart, then you're smart."
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If you can see the future and change it,
you're not seeing the future...
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Life comes with the right to make an unlimited amount of unrepeated mistakes
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Being intelligent doesn't mitigate the size of your mistakes
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If you don't give people a second chance, you're doomed to remain disappointed
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The truth is not necessarily what you want or expect to hear,
although conspiracy theories usually are
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It's the guiltiest among us that scream their innocence the loudest
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Money can't buy happiness, but it has been known to crack a few smiles...
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The truth is what happens in the end,
bullshit is what happens meantime
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Psychics never complain about unqualified imposters
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The world of the incredibly small is as vast as the world of the incredibly large
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We often look for negativity among all of our options so we can pick the one we want
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Luck is the positive outcome we get from everything we don't know or understand
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It's not if you win, it's how you play the game.
So how come you only get a gold medal for winning?
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If you can learn to like pain and misery,
you will enjoy life twice as much!
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"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king."
-a one-eyed man
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A mind can be changed with the right environment. That's why they call it environ-mental.
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Democracy is the Best Form of Dictatorship
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OPINIONS
"One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."
Moon Flag Controversy
Leap for mankind? That's an American flag, Neil.
I suspect Neil Armstrong didn't get his way,
I'm sure Neil wanted a flag of mankind after saying those famous words...
3D image - throw your eyes out of focus,
bring the two images together and you will see three images,
the centre image will be 3D. Some will not be able to see this effect
Try opening this image up in a program that allows zooming in and out
and try moving closer or farther away
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DRINK RESPONSIBLY
...even though drinking alcohol makes you irresponsible.
This is blatant government nonsense designed to pass blame
onto the consumer and to absolve them of any responsibility
when someone dies from an alcohol related accident.
You cannot drink responsibly if what your drinking makes you irresponsible -
that's a no-brainer.
Let's put some onus on the government for drinking and driving.
There is not so much as a warning label on a bottle of alcohol, or a tamper-proof top
(even the hangover cure has one of them).
They just keep telling the masses it's their fault...
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The Beautiful Humpback Whale ?

Most would agree that the humpback whale is a truly beautiful animal,
especially marine scientists and oceanographers.
I just don't understand why this beautiful animal was named 'The Humpback'.
This is an insult. I've never heard that name used to describe beauty before.
Beautiful and humpback are words that do not belong together.
Let's give this whale a fitting name!
If we think that this whale is beautiful, let's not call it 'The Humpback'.
If it's a beautiful whale, let's call it 'The Beautiful Whale', Cetacea Pulchrae.
Maybe then these whales will stop referring to man as 'The Needledicks.'
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CATALYTIC FOES

How ironic---catalytic converters,
which reduce toxic pollutants from an automobile, contain platinum and palladium.
Norilsk Nickel, in Siberia, produces platinum and almost half
the world's supply of palladium. It's also the world's largest producer of acid rain.
Apparently, there is no converter on the plant's toxic output!
Think about that when getting your e-test. A great example of eco-stupidity...
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IDEOLOGY
"Is there a great power in this vast universe?
One who wishes to see us do well in life?
One who helps you if you have faith in it?
One who wants us to treat others as we would want to be treated?
One who considers it paramount to live by certain rules?
One who we want to forgive ourselves when we stray?
A power so fantastic that with it this mighty world can be changed forever?
You better believe it!
Take a look in the mirror..."
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Everything we don't understand, we call it "God"
I can't have faith in what I don't understand;
I have faith in what I do understand,
because that's what gives me control of my destiny
I have faith that my understanding will increase and refine my values,
which are not etched in stone
I am a man of faith, you could say :)
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I believe in the Supernatural...
The natural world is really just SUPER !
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The two most important things in life to learn
and are not taught in school:

1. How to make money
2. How to get everyone to like you
If you have one of these skills, you won't need the other.
I have not mastered either one, but I haven't given up either.
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About Ignorance:
If you look down on someone, you won't be able to see your image in their eyes
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Being ignorant is better than being wrong as it suggests an open mind
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If you tell people what they want or expect to hear,
you won't have to prove anything
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Admitting your ignorance is the first step to losing it.
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Imagine
Imagine there's no heaven,
it's easy if you try,
no hell below us,
above us only sky,
imagine all the people,
living life in peace...

So, imagine there's no heaven,
but imagine all the people living life in peace...
Makes no sense, John.
Never start a song with 'Imagine there's no heaven'.
The only way this song's lyrics will make sense in their entirety
is if you replace the 'no' with 'a'
Imagine there's a heaven...
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Many intellectuals debate whether to classify
a human embryo with a heartbeat as 'life',
with the rights that come along with it
...unless of course they are talking about something extra-terrestrial,
where a mere fossil of a long dead amoeba will instantly be officially classified as 'life'.
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If SETI found intelligent life on another planet and there was rampant war and starvation there, would SETI ask for more funds to help them or would they finally stop wasting money and point their telescopes back to earth to focus on our problems?
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If we do to find more intelligent life elsewhere in the universe
then it's obvious that they surely would already be aware of us.
To expect to win a game of cosmic hide and seek with a more advanced
chess player is truly an exercise in stupidity.
If we do find signs or signals of an advanced life form,
we should realize that:
a) They already know we have found them, and
b) They are in charge of us anyway.
So, I volunteer to be the representative cocksucker
of Planet Earth and offer my services to the Aliens first.
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Is it possible that finite things can exist in an infinite universe ?
Many will try to ponder infinity with great difficulty,
as everything we know has a beginning and an end.
It seems beyond our abilities to grasp the idea.
Unless of course you happen to mention one word, love.
Then everyone instantly understands.
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QUIPS
So called humour...
The world keeps spinning 'round, without regard to anyone, including myself,
which I must say I do find particularly offensive
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Just because I'm right about some things,
doesn't mean I'm right about everything.
But it certainly doesn't preclude that possibility either.
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Ask yourself how a car company can sell
a 'Bumper-to-Bumper' warranty that doesn't cover the bumpers...
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On friends wanting a 'good deal':
True friendship is priceless, so don't use it as a discount coupon.
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My 3 rules of business:

1. Don't do business with your friends.
2. Don't do business with your relatives.
3. See the first two rules.
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A juxtaposition is just a position
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Constipation requires constant patience
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I tried meditation but I lost my train of thought
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Do to others what you would like to be done to you,
unless you are a masochist, then don't
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"We're taking your complaint seriously!"
...translates from bullshit to English as:
"We're not taking you're complaint seriously."
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Scientists assert that life started with a big bang,
but I think the common folk among us have known that for thousands of years.
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Warning sign at a Zoo McDonalds:
Please don't feed the animals, we can't afford diabetes treatment for them.
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Rap music speaks for itself
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Intelligent man's disease:
The smarter you are, the more wrong you can be.
The cure:
Being proven wrong by someone you consider to be 'stupid'
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"Lawyer" is a freudian slip of the word "liar"
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Life is short. So why am I bored?
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The perfect name for a banana company:
"Monkey's Choice"
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Australia's Walibri tribesmen say hello by shaking each other's penis.
From our cultural perspective, this is very strange,
because those among us that shake each other's penis usually continue the conversation
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Man learns yoga stretching exercises,
performs oral sex on himself, ditches girlfriend
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A prominent Canadian politician recently lied to his wife
- falsely telling her she looked good. How can we trust this man ever again?
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Cellphones make it possible to communicate outside of your home...
Not being able to read them in daylight was just a minor design flaw
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Gay marriage is accepted and legal everywhere!
As long as the couple are of opposite gender.
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People asked me if I turned gay. I said no.
For me, gay was always straight ahead.
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I have a degree in cunnilingus. I graduated cum louder...
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What's the difference between a lawnmower and a Stratocaster with a whammy bar?
You can tune a lawnmower...
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75% of ex-smokers used cold turkey to quit.
Unfortunately, food borne illnesses from uncooked meat can also kill.
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A phrase we've all heard before that pisses me off,
especially from business people:
"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE TO COMPLAIN!"
I decided to come up with some responses to them.
(inspired by Mad magazine's 'Snappy answers to stupid questions')

"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE TO COMPLAIN!"
"As a matter of fact, of all the many people I deal with,
you're the ONLY one I've ever had to complain to about this.
Why IS that?"

"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE TO COMPLAIN!"
"I plan on being the only one to get a refund also."

"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE TO COMPLAIN!"
"Actually, I'm representing a class action lawsuit against you
from the last 50 buyers of your product."

"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE TO COMPLAIN!"
"Y'mean besides your wife?"

"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE TO COMPLAIN!"
"How many complaints would you expect for one bad part?"

"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE TO COMPLAIN!"
"I guess I won't have to wait in line for help then..."

"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE TO COMPLAIN!"
"And you're not happy you got only ONE complaint?"

"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE TO COMPLAIN!"
"So exactly how many complaints will it take for you to acknowledge a problem?"

"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE TO COMPLAIN!"
"No I'm not! You're also complaining!"
Another ignorant exclamation,
"YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!"
does beg for a comeback:
"Yes, you're right. You are very boring to listen to, why don't you shut up?"

Or how about:
"I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"
"You probably DO know what you're talkin' about...
unfortunately, nobody else does."
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Many scholars, scientists and the like have laboured
for over a thousand years trying to figure out ancient egyptian hieroglyphics.
Ancient Art Form
Well I'm no scholar or egyptologist, and I can't read hieroglyphics,
but I have found a simple way to decypher what the egyptions might be saying.
I'll give you a hint: look at the pictures!
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What is the punishment for Magicians who reveal their secrets?
They are sawed in half ......
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How to always win at rock, paper and scissors:
1. Pull out your fist as 'rock'
2. If the opponent shows paper, you tell he or she that rock sharpens scissors,
and scissors cuts paper
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I admit that Achilles heel might be a weak point but what about Achilles nuts?
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I don't have bipolar disorder, I have lithium disorder
-the bipolar part is working fine...
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How come a vacuum cleaner doesn't come with a fellatio attachment?
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For most of my life, I've been a staunch pro-choice supporter,
...except for the first nine months :)
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Americans have the right to bear arms !
The way I see it though...if you have arms like a bear,
you don't need no freakin' weapon.
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Modern medicine is truly amazing.
You can take a pill, go to bed and when you wake up your penis size will double.
...It's called a sleeping pill and you're dreaming...
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Think you're tough? Bit of an attitude problem?
Go to Texas and get your ass kicked.
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When I was a boy, people used to say it would only take 2000 Russians
to take over Canada. I always answered that if we gave them 2000 hockey sticks,
we wouldn't have any problem !
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Does anyone here have a disorder?
Identifying disorders have made life better for the afflicted.
One day my boss called me to his office...
he asked me why I've been late three times this week.
He asked me if anything was wrong. I told him I have a 'get up and go to work disorder'.
He replied, "That's a coincidence - I have a disorder too !"
He said he had a 'tired of listening to lame excuses disorder' and fired me.

Common disorders:
  1. 'listening to people nag' disorder
  2. 'pay the bills' disorder
  3. 'exercise' disorder
  4. 'brocolli disorder'
  5. 'not eating enough pizza or drinking enough beer' disorder
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POETRY
Saint Eve
The Sleeping Sun
A magic moon delight
Dagger and circle,
The Lord is a Lady at night
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Adam and Eve

A dam of water, Eve the night
with Fire you have Lucifer,
with Fire you have Life
Water is The Earth, Fire is The Sun,
with a good imagination we stay young
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ALIENS!

Flying saucers from China?
Well, saucers are made from china...
Ninja threw death blades like saucers
Saucers through China landed under cups
We drank tea, dance with me...
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The Seminal Seaman
The seminal sea
we've all gone swimming in it,
yes, you and me.
It's true what they say,
we all come from the sea...
I'm a seaman from the seminal sea,
out from the hole you pee from, there's me!
Yes everything comes from the sea,
and when you cum you'll feel glee...
I'm a seminal sailor arriving with you smiling
Splashing onto a bedsheet, tickling a tonsil or two,
improving a complexion or creating a wild hairdo
Don't underestimate me, I'm a seaman from the seminal sea!
Caught in a rubber dingy and wondering what's wrong,
just as I thought the race was on...
If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be
When I'm lucky enough, I'll win the race on the last leg
Life begins now, when I make it to that egg.
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Favourite Magical Phrase
OSOZ - "Open Sesame OZ"

*NEVER spell it backwards !
if you do, you will never enter The Magic Kingdom...
Also forbidden: Pushing Heroin or Eating Shit,
or owning and living in a house made famous by a man
who eats shit (which is basically the same thing).
- The Wizard
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The Wizard's Rede
"Good intentions harm none."
Explanation
One might think this is a joke rede,
as many would argue that bad intentions also harm none...
Let me define 'good intentions':
Intentions that do not include degredation or humiliation
of oneself or anything on this Earth.
If one is foolish and mistakes bad for good,
all will have to live with that mistake,
but hopefully those mistakes will not be repeated.
Decisions should always be made to favour the betterment of life on earth.
The Wizard's Formula
Good Intentions + Intelligence = Heaven on Earth

My rede relies on intelligence, that is the kernel of my teachings.
With intelligence,
my rede will fulfill the lesson all must learn to enter
The Magic Kingdom of Heaven.
Only intelligence can assure mistakes interpreting 'good intentions'
or actions that do degrade or humiliate, will not occur.
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